Ode to ants

Dear Mr and Ms Ants---wait, just Ms because all the worker ones are female, right?

I have tried to be patient with you as you wander around aimlessly in my room but it’s time you recognize your place. I don’t mind you existing and furthermore, I don’t mind you crawling around in my general vicinity. However, if I am doing work, I would very much appreciate it if you don’t crawl across the paper I am currently looking at. It rather distracts me and my task then becomes determining a way to remove you from my target paper. I did try to be nice at first and give you a smooth transition to another suitable place to crawl but now, I feel that I must resort to flicking you away. I hope you land somewhere safely and can continue your little ant-like mannerisms in an area not quite so close to my area of work.

Also, please try not to crawl on my computer. I know this is a paranoid sort of thought but you buggers are tiny, and when I see you crawl about there, I imagine you going into the little cracks and crevices of this complex device and somehow causing utter destruction from the inside. Insane? Probably. But beware of more aggressive attacks if you dare venture onto said computer.

Now some positives for you ants, since this note has been full of so many negatives (and no one wants to be a negative Nancy). I appreciate your smallness. It makes you cute in a sense and if I had the time, I wouldn’t mind playing with you like I once played with ants as a child. Your smallness also makes you undetectable when you crawl upon me which I believe is a plus because I don’t freak out as much. And lastly, I commend your durability. I flicked one of your fellowants just recently from my computer and she landed somewhere else and continued her trek to…well wherever it is she wanted to go. Oh, and I think it’s really cool how fast your little legs move. I try and think about how fast humans could walk if we could move our legs at the same speed, and the thought really is rather comical.

Best wishes,

Your sometimes (and reluctant) exterminator